It’s possible to have much knowledge but not be wise. Experts tell us that our knowledge base doubles every five years. High school graduates today have been exposed to more information about the world than Plato, Aristotle, or Benjamin Franklin. In terms of facts alone, neither Moses nor Paul could pass a college entrance exam. Yet our world is a mess. It’s possible to have much knowledge but not be wise.
Proverbs is a book about not just knowledge, but mostly wisdom. Today I’d like to ask of the wise man who wrote these sayings, how does one deal with criticism?
One of the main subjects of interest for the writer of Proverbs is the tongue—the different ways the tongue, words, things we say to one another, affect us. And within the general subject of the tongue, Proverbs is especially concerned with ways in which our tongue, our words, the things we say can be destructive. Each proverb I’ll look at with you today makes one of the points I want to make on the subject of dealing with criticism.
The first proverb is Proverbs15:32 "He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding." Here the wise man has in view what we might call "appropriate criticism." He calls it discipline, counsel, advice. Your spouse says to you, "You know, you don’t listen very well. You think you do, but you really don’t." Or your boss says, "You have a way of blaming other people for things that are really your problem. You’ve got to work on that."
I remember well some of the appropriate criticisms I’ve received of my preaching over the years. As a young seminarian I tried to pack everything I’d learned in theology into one sermon. I remember when someone came up to me and told me he thought I had been a little too hard on Roman Catholics in what I had to say. I remember when someone politely told me, "Don’t chew gum when you preach." I remember when someone came up to me after I had told a funny story about my son Joel in a sermon. He said, "Duane, I think your kids are getting to the age where you need to be more sensitive to the stories you tell about them."
It’s not easy to get criticism. It stings. It’s hard, very hard, to remain open, vulnerable. It’s tempting to deal with the pain of even appropriate criticism by building a wall around ourselves by which we just don’t allow anyone’s criticism to affect us: we deceive and defend ourselves.
But Proverbs says that you despise yourself if you do that. You are the loser. Conversely, when you heed correction, when you listen to and learn from those who would help you, you are the winner not the loser. For you gain understanding. Behind the proverb is the truth that there is wisdom in community. We learn from each other. So we need to listen to each other; and the truth is that we are always growing. We never fully arrive. We are always learning, seeking to improve. And learning from our mistakes is the easiest, quickest way to improve.
Pity those organizations whose leaders don’t get honest criticism so they can learn and change and grow. Unfortunately, the reason leaders often don’t get it is because they’ve made it clear they don’t want to be criticized. The proverb says to such a leader, "You despise yourself." You’re a fool.
How do you deal with criticism? The first answer the wise man gives is, "When it is appropriate — well—intentioned and on the mark, listen to it, learn from it."
So far, we’ve only been talking about appropriate criticism. Unfortunately, there is another kind, what we will call undeserved criticism. With the next two proverbs I would like to address that criticism that we receive that is wrong, off the mark. Maybe you’re unjustly accused of something. Or you are misunderstood. Or someone has her own agenda in criticizing you.
There are two points to be made here. The first is, "It hurts." Proverbs 12:18: "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." The things we say can be so hurtful. We all know that because we all have been stabbed by the sword of another person’s words. Yet we often throw the same sword of reckless words ourselves.
We all do this to some extent, but I would especially call parents and children to be on guard in this matter. Parents, it’s so easy to launch reckless words at our children. They are under us, so we can get by with it, we think. But those words pierce tender hearts like a sword. Children are great actors and actresses. We usually don’t see how much we hurt our children with reckless words. The damage is invisible.
Children also must be careful with their words with each other. Sometimes children can be so mean, so unkind, so unfair. They say things to each other that maybe they sort of mean as a joke, but that’s not the way it comes out. It hurts. It hurts badly. We all know this, because it’s happened to us.
I could tell you the stories of elderly people in their 80s who remember a word of encouragement, of affirmation spoken to them when they were teenagers. I could also tell you stories of others, who have sat in my study and wept as they relived the pain of some reckless word that someone pierced their heart with when they were ten or twelve. Be careful, for reckless words pierce like a sword. That’s the first point. And that’s really a point about the power of words in general.
Now, in this next proverb, he zeros in more on our subject this morning—dealing with criticism and this Proverb—Proverbs 26:2 is one that caught my attention and led me to prepare this message—"Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest."
If you’ve ever seen sparrows or swallows you know what this proverb means when it talks about them darting around. We have a cottage and sparrows like to build nests in the canvas covering on our boatlift. We have to carefully remove those nests or we would have sparrows darting around us all day long on the dock beside our boat. The proverb’s point is: Sparrows or swallows are always flying around. They rarely stop and settle in to one place. In the same way when someone curses you and you don’t deserve it, don’t worry, the wise man says, the curse won’t take effect. It won’t come to rest.
Broadened a bit to undeserved criticism in general, the point is, wise people know that undeserved criticism is just that — undeserved, wrong. And wise people don’t allow that kind of criticism to sink in, to come to rest. Undeserved criticism may still hurt. Reckless words do that. But the wise person can put it in perspective. When it is undeserved, it will not come to rest.
Leaders obviously have to know how to deal with undeserved (and even deserved) criticism. In leadership training, we talk about the need for leaders to be differentiated, to separate themselves from the criticism. Leaders can’t let undeserved criticism "come to rest" on them, they can’t take criticism personally and react to criticism, or they’ll be done in quickly as a leader.
The trick, of course, is knowing the difference between appropriate criticism and undeserved criticism. It’s so easy to err on one side or the other. One person accepts no criticism. He is always right. Everyone else is always wrong. Another person takes everything into herself, and lets every word said about her pierce her soul. Finding the balance is crucial— itself a matter of wisdom.
That matter of taking everything into ourselves brings up a related subject that is worth at least saying a few things about I preached a sermon on Dealing With Criticism several years ago and someone came up to me afterward and said, "You know, Duane, I appreciated that sermon, but one thing you should address the next time you preach on this subject is self—criticism." This person’s concern was that often we are our own severest critics, to a fault.
Let me say first that there is a self—criticism that is legitimate and deserved and even healthy. It’s the mirror image, really, of receiving deserved criticism from others. We make mistakes. At the risk of sounding psychologically irresponsible, though I don’t think it is, I would say there are times when it is appropriate to loath ourselves. Not just to loathe our behaviors but to crumple down in despair and say, "I am a selfish person. I am a sinful person." As the prodigal son planned to say to his father when he returned from the far country, "I am unworthy to be called your son."
If we cannot have those times of brutal self—examination and self—judgment, then we are not dealing with the truth about ourselves. We know it and God knows it. There’s a time when self—criticism is appropriate and spiritually healthy
But we must also learn to deal with ourselves in grace. OK, you made a mistake, a big mistake—perhaps a huge sin. And you have confessed it to God, a thousand times. You have sought to make amends. You have sought to change. Now, you must forgive yourself. It’s over. It’s done. It’s in the books. There’s nothing you can do about it. Forgive yourself. Set yourself free and go forward. Some of us are much better at forgiving others than we are at forgiving ourselves. And this might seem to be virtuous at some level. But it’s really not. Grace is not just for the other. It’s for you too.
Ecclesiastes 3 has that list of times: there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to tear and a time to mend. We could add, there’s a time to criticize others, and a time to affirm others. There’s a time to receive criticism, and a time to ignore it. There’s a time to criticize ourselves, and a time to forgive ourselves.
Knowing which time it is, of course, in a particular situation, is where we need wisdom. And that wisdom may come from the Bible, from a good friend, from a good therapist. But the gospel itself, the good news of our union with Jesus Christ, offers an even deeper wisdom. Our position in Christ can make all the difference in the world in how we deal with criticism, from others and from ourselves. To someone who is always defensive, and who never accepts criticism the gospel says, why do you spend so much energy protecting yourself? Paul said, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me." When you are in Christ, when your life is hidden in Christ, you can be open, you can listen, you can receive discipline from others. For your security, your well—being doesn’t come from being right all the time. It comes from being in Christ. Your essential identity is in Christ. So relax. Lighten up.
In the same way, to the person who takes everything as an arrow into herself and is immobilized when negative things are said about her, especially when it’s undeserved the gospel says, "You are in Christ." Remember, his approval, his "well—done" is what matters. And Jesus Christ died on the cross to remove your guilt, to take your punishment for you. You are forgiven and clean in God’s eyes. Unconditionally accepted.
And at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter much what other people think of you. Christ frees you from the tyranny of always trying to please everyone around you. In Christ integrity is what matters, truthfulness and wholeness before Christ. If other people don’t understand that or like that — so be it.
And to the person who finds it difficult to forgive herself, the gospel says, "Guess what, Jesus died for you too."
As I worked on this message, I remembered a conversation I had a long time ago with one of the oldest and wisest ministers I have ever known. A deeply loved and respected minister, Rev. Marinus Goote, was in his late 80s when I had this conversation with him. At that time Rev. Goote was volunteering at Calvin Seminary where I work. He saw me in the hall way and asked me what I was doing at the seminary. I explained that even though I was the pastor of a local church, I also taught some preaching classes at the seminary. He was very interested in the fact that I was teaching preaching. He asked all kinds of questions about my teaching. How is the seminary training students to preach today? How do you help students who just don’t seem to have the gifts needed for preaching? We talked for quite a while. As I was preparing to leave, he looked me square in the eye, and with all of the weight and wisdom of over half a century of ministry and working with people, he said. "Be kind."
That says it all today. Be kind. To others. To yourself. Even as you criticize others or criticize yourself, be kind. As Paul put it in Colossians 3: "clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Be kind out of that never ending source of kindness that is Christ in us.
Amen
Duane Kelderman
Rev. Duane Kelderman is the Vice President for Administration and an Associate Professor of Preaching at Calvin Seminary in Grand Rapids. Before his current position he served as pastor in Christian Reformed congregations in Toledo, Ohio; Denver, Colorado; and Grand Rapids, Michigan. Rev. Kelderman is married to Jeannette and has three children and two grandchildren. He was born and raised in Oskaloosa, Iowa and attended Calvin College and Calvin Seminary. He enjoys reading and carpentry.
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