Many of us have gone through it. Probably all of us have watched it happen. It all starts off so innocently. There is a meeting together among friends, but someone new is there, perhaps someone’s cousin from out of town. There is a shared glance. Laughing together. A first date. A heartbeat that speeds up when the other is around. And then… the lies.
Well, they aren’t really lies. It’s just a matter of putting your best foot forward. You know—she tries hard to laugh at all his jokes. He finds himself brushing his teeth more often than he used to. She spends even more time getting ready in the bathroom. He opens doors, holds her hand, points out the sunsets.
It’s not really a form of deception, of false representation, of being someone you are not. A person in a serious relationship, with some hope of heading toward the altar would not say that they are doing any of these things. It’s really something very different. It’s that when you are in the presence of the other, the one you love, you finally come to discover who you really want to be.
Well, OK, so maybe loves lies a little bit. But that’s just a part of preparing for marriage. A necessary part. It is the essential the pre—marriage process. Christian author and Pastor Walter Wangerin, in his excellent book, "As for Me and My House," describes three stages of coming into a healthy marriage. The first part is a process Wangerin calls "idealization." It is that stage in which we work hard to see only the best in the other person. And, of course, you want to help that person to see your best side as well.
This is because at you are in what’s called a ‘buying mood.’ Real estate sales people know this mood well. For those who already have a home of their own, the buying mood may last for a few days to a week. Under this spell, people will buy a house while downplaying the problem with the foundation, the heating bills or the distance from work—why? Because they like the view, the kitchen is so charming and they cannot imagine going on in life without an ensuite Jacuzzi bath.
Car dealers know the buying mood. They know they have perhaps 48 hours from the time person walks in the showroom to get him behind the wheel of a car, to take that test drive. Within 48 hours, the in—dash multi—disc CD player, drop down video monitor and new car smell is enough to clinch the deal. After that, common sense will take over. With marriage, it’s simply a marrying mood. But it lasts much longer than a few days. It can last for years.
And in the same way a person doesn’t want to hear about the bad review a vehicle got in Car and Driver magazine, so too the potential bride or groom doesn’t want to see the imperfections that are so obvious to everyone else, especially the future in—laws. Those are not imperfections. They are idiosyncrasies, endearing eccentricities.
So love may not be completely blind. But it does do an awful lot of squinting. And that’s not a bad thing. This whole process of idealization, of seeing only the best in the other, is absolutely necessary. Who among us would get married if we could really know what the other person is like? Very few of us.
After courting and Idealization comes marriage and ‘realization.’
Wangerin says this process happens in three rooms. First of all, it happens in the kitchen—where one discovers what other person is really like socially. He comes to realize how often she smacks her lips while she’s eating. She watches him wolf down a dinner she spent hours planning and preparing—he’s not pausing to look up or even breathe! When he does finally look her way, she’s crying. He thinks, ‘Now what…?’
In the bathroom, one discovers what the other person is like physically. She finds a small, neat, disgusting row of toenails on the edge of the bathtub—don’t even get her started on the problem with the toilet seat! He cannot believe how much time it takes for her to get ready in the bathroom, and how she looks when she doesn’t spend the time! And what’s with the furry cover on the lid of the toilet? It’s ridiculous, how it always drops closed right when you’re busy…
Realization also happens in the bedroom, the room where the most intimate and most personal needs and desires come to expression. She finds he was a lot more patient, a lot more selfless, before marriage. He thinks she was a lot more interested, and more naive, before marriage.
It is at the midst of the realization phase that each spouse asks of him and herself, "What have I done? Who have I married?" No wonder Benjamin Franklin advised, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards." Unfortunately, our tendency is to do the opposite.
Pastor Bill Hybels, in his book, Fit to Be Tied, says that a lot of problems in marriage stem from expecting too much. Each one of us is a broken person, searching for wholeness. We desire healing; we want someone to come and make us right again, to fix us up, to soothe the pain of our hurts and fill the void of our self—doubt. We desire happiness; we want someone to fill each of our days with laughter and love, because we have known too much sadness and rejection. Like Tom Cruise’s character in the film, Jerry McGuire, we long to be able to say to another person, "You complete me."
Hybels paints a picture of a young man entering adulthood bruised and scarred by rejection and angry words. He wants so much to be happy, but he feels as though he is swimming in sadness, in emptiness, drowning deep inside. And then he sees a five foot four, 120 pound blond life preserver go by. What does he do? He grabs hold. And he doesn’t let go.
She just wants to be loved, for someone to whisper in her ear that she is special, that she is deserving of affection and care for the rest of her life. She hears that from him, and she grabs hold. And they get married—for all the wrong reasons.
How do we avoid coming to marriage with great expectation, and discovering instead great disappointment? The key is having realistic expectations about marriage, and all human relationships for that matter, rooted in a deeper, fuller understanding of who we are as people not only in relationship with one another, but also in relationship with God. Jesus teaches about this in an offhanded way in answering a question put to him in today’s reading from the Bible.
We first need to understand the context for this interaction. To the religious leaders of that day, Jesus was the famous but controversial rabbi from the Galilean countryside up north, and he had finally arrived in the capital city, Jerusalem, home of many of the nations leading religious scholars. They were eager to put Jesus to the test, to demonstrate to all that this back—country carpenter wasn’t worth the time and attention that the common people were giving to him.
So the question put to Jesus by the Sadducees, a sub—group among the complex community of Jewish religious experts, was a trick question. The Pharisees, ahead of them, had tried a political trap, another trick question about whether a good Jewish person should pay taxes to their hated Gentile overlords, the Romans. That hadn’t worked. So perhaps a theological trap would serve better—after all, theology was their area of expertise. And it was in the course of this sparring, that Jesus demonstrates to us the bigger picture of important relationships that places marriage in the proper perspective.
The Sadducees asked a question about a series of marriages, a hypothetical and improbable situation, that they intended to use to make the teaching of the resurrection, coming back to life from the dead, look foolish. One of the distinguishing marks of the Sadducees was that they didn’t believe in the resurrection, in part because they only accepted teachings that came straight from the Pentateuch, the books accredited to Moses that are the first five books of our Bible. They used the Law of Moses that called for the provision of an heir for a deceased brother, so his name would live on.
The Sadducee spokesman clears his throat before the crowd of onlookers, a sly smile playing on the edges of his lips. A certain woman had a husband who died, leaving no son. His brother married her, as was his responsibility. But he also died, leaving no heir. So on it went through seven brothers, until in the end the woman also died. So then, at the time of the resurrection, whose wife will she be? You have to picture his colleagues in the background stifling their laughter, and even he himself breaks into a broad, self—satisfied smile (he’s so clever!)
Well, at least Jesus and Sadducees agree that marriage is intended to last a lifetime. That alone is an important message which we need to hear again in our own culture and time, given the high divorce rates to which we’ve grown accustomed. Jesus and the Sadducees also agree that marriage is to last only that long, for the bonds of marriage are untied at the death of one of the partners. But if we are to be resurrected, what then? The Sadducees seek to show that resurrection cannot be within God’s plan because resurrected life would just be too complicated.
Jesus responds to their challenge. No one will be married, in the resurrected life. All will be like the angels, who neither marry nor are given in marriage. So, Jesus implies, don’t let that apparent complication prevent you from believing in the resurrection. Jesus meets them on their own home turf when he reminds them that God said to Moses, "I am the God of Abraham. Not ‘was.’ Since we live in a creation whose grand master plan includes resurrection, we need not speak of anyone in the past tense. Thus, through God’s power, Abraham continues to be.
And we too will live on, and on. In that eternal life, we will be united with God. Then we will be God’s people made perfect, we will be the church as the bride of Christ: part of a new union, an existence that we will find completely fulfilling and… whole; one in which we find healing, and happiness and endless love.
It is unfortunate, but here we see how the power of God is misunderstood. It was misunderstood certainly by the Sadducees. They underestimated the power of God to raise people from the dead. Praise the Lord, God is willing and able to transform and to heal his people, even from the seemingly incurable ailment we know as death.
But the transforming power of God is also underestimated, or overlooked, by us, today. Let me explain. We are a hole—y people. I’m not talking about our pure nature through the forgiveness we have in Christ, our holiness. I mean we are, in a way, like a block of Swiss cheese—full of holes. These are relational holes. We fill them with friendships and fellowship and intimacy. And, by design, we are created for two different levels of intimacy. Again, Hybels, and many other authors, have written about this characteristic that is so common to all humanity.
On a human level, we are social creatures. That is to say, we desire to know others and be known in return, to love and be loved. Now certainly, as I suggested before, our brokenness and need for wholeness gives a desperate urgency to our search for community. But the felt need to be with others like us is not a result of the fall into sin. Even before our first parents, Adam and Eve, rebelled against God and brought upon creation the curse of sin, there was a need for fellowship. Remember Genesis 2:
"…the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…"
And so, ever since, human beings have sought out the comfort, companionship and closeness that come in relationships. These relationships come in many forms, from friendships to working partnerships to marriage. And good relationships are satisfying for this social need we have.
But we need more. We also crave intimacy on a divine level—we need to experience deep communion with God. Again, sin brought brokenness into all creation, including our relationships, especially our relationship with God. No longer could Adam and Eve commune with God, walking and talking with him in the Garden of Eden. Though they were banned from his presence, the need to be close to him remained with them, and remains with us, their children. Deep trouble comes to any relationship if we are unaware of this need for divine fellowship, when we think this hole in our soul ought to be filled by sharing life with a husband or wife, a child or grandchild, a friend or companion.
We might want our spouse or friend to be our healer, our happiness, our unfailing source of love, but only God can be those things for us—God says so himself. Consider these promises of Jesus:
- In John 10:10, Jesus declared, "I have come that [my people] may have life, and have it to the full."
- In Matthew 11:28, he called out, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
- In John 14:27, he blessed the disciples, saying "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
These are offers that only God can make, and only God can fulfill. He will do so, one day, as Jesus said. At that time we will be like the angels, no longer needing such intimate human relationships. But in the meantime, we will reach out to each other for companionship needs, and a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh.
However, when we fail to recognize the difference between our need for intimacy with people and our much greater need for close intimacy with God we put ourselves and all our relationships, especially our marriages in danger. Each spouse finds him or herself bitterly disappointed with the other.
What happens when six months into the marriage a person finds his or her most intimate needs are not being met? If they are not careful, if they don’t realize what is going on, they can destroy the relationship by putting too much pressure on it, by expecting human beings to meet intimacy needs that only God can meet. Today divorce rates in the western world hover at around 50%. Fifty years ago, divorce rates were a lot lower. I believe one of the reasons is that we as a society have loosed ourselves from a lot of our most important spiritual roots—and that has caused us to crank up our demands on our spouses, demands that spouses cannot meet. And too often, people then walk away, bitterly disappointed.
Seeking true wholeness is rewarded only when we are united with God, our Creator, our heavenly Father, through his Son Jesus Christ, and we are blessed to know him through the Holy Spirit. So we see that realistic expectations are the essential starting point for a lasting marriage. When we seek out God, and let him be God in our lives, it allows our husbands and wives to be human. And it does even more—when we re—order our lives so that we acknowledge God on his throne, both spouses are set free from the demand to fulfill impossible roles and set free to serve God, one another and the neighbors God places in our lives.
In a successful marriage, Wangerin calls this third stage of relating to one another ’accommodation.’ In all relationships, but especially in marriage, humility is in order. If need be, go look in a mirror. If you are frustrated by the various shortcomings of your spouse, remember! You are no great prize yourself. It’s a very good thing that your partner is not perfect. If they were perfect, they’d certainly not put up with such an imperfect person as you!
Recognizing one another’s limitations not only frees spouses up from impossible demands, it also gives each the freedom to yield. OK, so neither one is perfect; then let’s both help each other. Let us love one another enough to bend. Let us love one another enough to help the other, see the other as one in need of healing, joy, and unconditional love.
In the coming weeks, we will take a closer look at some practical helps for some of the day to day blessings and challenges of marriage and the rest of our relationships, such as intimacy, conflict and forgiveness, but for now, let’s work on the foundation. Give God first place. Take stock of your disappointments in others—how much of what you seek from your spouse or others in your life is realistic? If you are looking for perfection, purpose, fulfillment or completion from others, you will be disappointed.
If you are in a marriage that is unhappy, take stock of your relationship with God, first of all. What kinds of prayers do you offer up to him these days? Are you able to be completely honest with him, telling our Lord your greatest joys, sharing with him your failures, confessing to him your sin, venting to him your anger, and giving him thanks for all that is good? Do you invest a portion of each day getting to know God better, by reading his word and looking for his fingerprints in the beauty of creation? If not, it may be that you are unfairly seeking from your spouse the kind of fullness that only God can give.
One day, God will finish making all things, including us, new. So let us look to Jesus, the bread of life, the source of living water, to satisfy our deep hunger for all that a relationship can offer.
Prayer
Father God, in you we live and move and have our being. You have made us, and made us for your good pleasure. Forgive us our blindness to your goodness and grace. Forgive us our tendency to look to others for what only you can provide. By your Holy Spirit, speak to us, and call us into a deeper intimacy with you. Then bless us to enjoy our relationships with others, including our spouses, as you have intended, as blessing. May all we are and all we do be offered up to you, through Jesus Christ, in whose name we pray. Amen.
Everett Vander Horst
Everett Vander Horst is the senior pastor at Shawnee Park Christian Reformed Church, in Grand Rapids, Michigan. He and his wife Christa have been married for 14 years, and have 3 children: Laura (10), Eric (7) and Jason (5). A Canadian, Everett grew up on a dairy farm in southwestern Ontario. After graduating from Calvin Theological Seminary in 1996, he and Christa moved to British Columbia where Everett was ordained as pastor in the Telkwa Christian Reformed Church. They took the call to Shawnee Park CRC in 2001. When he is not pastoring, Everett enjoys digital photography, fishing as well as building toys and furniture in his basement woodshop.
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