The Brute Power Of Gentleness

By: Duane Kelderman

Scripture Reading: Proverbs 25:15

February 1st, 2009

How do you go about trying to persuade someone? How do you influence other people? How do you change someone’s behavior or attitudes or feelings?

The wise man gives an interesting answer to this question in Proverbs 25:15: "Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone." The wise man says that there is brute power to influence others in gentleness. If you want to influence other people, the wise man says, be patient and gentle and kind and gracious. And don’t just act that way to get what you want. Be that kind of person. Today I want to look at the virtue of gentleness, the power of gentleness, this fruit of the Spirit of God dwelling in us called gentleness, and look at it through the lens of this fascinating proverb.

One way to get more insight into a particular proverb like this one is to look at a whole cluster of proverbs that deal with the subject. In this case, I found it interesting to browse through the book of Proverbs and observe some of the behaviors that are the opposite of gentleness, gentleness killers if you will, things that fight against gentleness. I found at least three such things. The first is rashness, a hasty reply, speaking before we think. Proverbs 29:20 "Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him." James 1:19 "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Proverbs 13:3 "He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin." The first contrast is being hasty in our speech and our conduct.

Another contrast, another way not to go, is speaking in anger. This is a big one in Proverbs. Proverbs 15:18, "A hot tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel." Disagreements are inevitable. We will never get rid of conflict, differences of opinion. The question is whether our disposition—how we deal with it, the words we say, the attitudes we bring—escalates the disagreement or brings calm and the possibility for communication and understanding. Indeed, as Proverbs 15:1 goes on to say, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

I still remember the day that David, a former colleague at the seminary where I lead and teach, came into my office to show me an email exchange he had just had with a prospective student. The student had written an angry email to David in which he clobbered the seminary and the whole Christian church for how much his seminary education was going to cost him. He told David that if everyone in the church sold their boats and cottages and fancy SUVs and gave that money to fund seminary education, then students wouldn’t have to pay this tuition and go into debt. He was hot!

Then David showed me his response to the prospective student. He wrote, "Hey you little whipper snapper, who do you think you are!" No, no, no. That’s not what he wrote. He wrote, "I understand your feelings right now. You’re selling everything you have to come to seminary. And you’re not sure how you’re going to make it—uprooting a family, a wife and three kids. You’re facing a lot of uncertainty, a lot of fear, not just for you but for other people you love. But it will be OK. It really will. One of the most powerful things you will learn about God while you’re at seminary you will not learn in the classroom. During your seminary years you will learn just how faithful God is to you and your family, just how much he keeps his promise to be with you and give you what you need."

The response back was moving. "Thank you," the student wrote. "Thank you for not reacting to my anger. I know you’re right. I’m sorry for unloading all of my fear on you. I’m really looking forward to coming to seminary. I know God’s calling me to do it. And I really do appreciate all those scholarships people have set up so it doesn’t have to cost me so much to go to seminary."

Wow. What a turn around. If David had reacted defensively to this student, the conversation would have escalated out of control. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Speaking too hastily and speaking in anger are problematic.

A third problem is speaking in ignorance. You speak but you really don’t know what you’re talking about. Proverbs19:2, "It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way." Zeal——enthusiasm, excitement—without knowledge is a dangerous thing. Many controversies in churches are long on zeal and short on knowledge. What are the facts, what’s really happening here? Too often we don’t want to be confused by the facts. We’re not interested in the truth, in knowledge. We’re interested in winning a battle.

So the wise man says three ways to miss the mark of gentleness as set forth in Proverbs 25:15 are: to speak in haste, talk before you think; to speak in anger, and escalate conflict; or to speak in ignorance, and be fighting about nothing or the wrong thing. But, "Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone." To add a couple of other positive proverbs that state this positive message another way: Proverbs 16:24 "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." And Proverbs 15:4 "The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit." A gentle tongue that speaks pleasant words can be such a powerful, positive, healing force in a community and in the world.

I remember a visit I had years ago with an elderly saint in a church I was serving. Beth was a very quiet, very private person. I had gotten to know Beth over the years in my visits with her, but there was something a bit mysterious about her. I still remember this day when she opened up to me and started talking about how she came to Neland Church where I was the pastor and she belonged. She told me she was 10 or 11 years old when her family moved to Grand Rapids. She said, "I was a very shy, very quiet person, and when we came to Neland, a couple of girls my age were very, very kind to me." This 88 year old woman remembered kindnesses toward her from 78 years ago and it still stuck in her throat as she described it, it was so powerful to her. What a breathtaking thought, that you could be kind to someone today, and 75 years from now, someone could remember it! Unbelievable. Proverbs 16:24 "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." And 15:4 "The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life."

One of the fascinating things about our proverb today, Proverbs 25:15, is that the wise man does not confuse gentleness and weakness. This gentleness is not weak. In fact, it is powerful. It’s powerful enough to move kings and kingdoms and to break bones, to persuade people, to change things!

Several years ago a student in a preaching class I was teaching preached a sermon that had a lot of problems. The sermon was weak in almost every way. I got together with the student to talk about the sermon, and I asked him to just tell me how he goes about writing a sermon. He told me what he did, and in the process of telling me, he told me about a couple of different profound learning disabilities and speech disabilities that he has to work around. He couldn’t just write a sermon out. He had to say it, write it, say it, write it. But then it didn’t work to go from writing it to saying it either, and there were some more things he had to do in between those steps. After he described all of this in excruciating detail, I said, "Jim (that wasn’t really his name), I think you put more work into one sermon than I put into five." I could see tears welling up in his eyes. I said, "Jim, is there any joy in this for you?" He shook his head no. I said, "I believe that ministry in general and preaching in particular have a kind of agony and pain built into them, but there also should be deep joy in them. As you prepare and as you preach, there must be music in your soul. I said, Jim, has God called you to this? Or are you doing this to please someone else? He bowed his head and wept. He proceeded to drop out of seminary and find his calling and gifts in other areas. A little gentleness, a little kindness was powerful (it wasn’t weak, it was powerful) in its effect on this person’s whole life.

Well, in line with the very practical nature of these proverbs, let me suggest three positive, practical principles that flow out of this proverb and that can guide us in our lives as we seek to be more gentle people, as we seek to nurture and develop the Spirit’s fruit of gentleness in us. First, count. By count, I mean, think before you speak. If you have to count to ten, count to ten. I made a discovery soon after I became a pastor. I would come home from a meeting at night and mull over what had happened in a meeting and I would often regret that I had said something. But I discovered that I rarely regretted not having said something. Think before you speak. Count.

It’s interesting that we can actually tell from brain scans today why counting to ten is so crucial. The amygdale is that feeling part of our brain that fires up when we face some threat, some perceived attack. It makes us want to attack back. And when people used to live in forests and face the choice of either eating a bear or being eaten by a bear, the amygdale was a really good thing to have in our brain. But today the amygdale usually gets us in trouble. Someone criticizes you for something that you didn’t even do and that you can easily explain, and your amygdale still fires up! You’re ready to fight back.

But now here’s the interesting thing. MRI scans of the brain now make it clear that that little amygdale quiets down very quickly. In fact, a brain scan shows that your mother was exactly right when she suggested you count to ten. You can see with your own eyes that it takes about ten seconds after some threat before the amygdale region on the brain scan goes dark, quiets down and the pre—frontal cortex—the executive, thinking part of your brain—lights up and swings into action. Wow. First, count. Just count to ten.

Second, care—if you are gentle with someone simply to get your way, that’s manipulation. That’s cheap, dishonest, and it doesn’t work for long. There is no substitute for character, and the caring gentleness that comes from the mind and character of Christ in us, from this fruit of the Spirit called gentleness in us

The big shift in leadership theory in the last 25 years has been a shift from the competencies of a leader to the character of a leader. Leadership theory is trying to catch up with the Bible, and with this proverb. You must care about people. Any preacher worthy of the name understands the counsel of one of the great preachers of our century who said, "Those whom you would change, you must first love." This applies to every area of life. You must care.

Finally, (count, care), you must communicate. Whether it’s in marriage or in family or at work or at church, you just have to communicate, to work at calmly, gently listening and then talking, listening again, counting, caring, communicating. Is it hard work? Yes? Is there an alternative? Well, yes: being a miserable person, and making everyone around you miserable. No, there really isn’t an alternative, not an acceptable one. It doesn’t take a Rhodes Scholar to observe that most conflicts are not matters (in all of these different arenas) of actual differences as much as they are matters of not communicating.

We used to have a little trailer on a lake in Northern Michigan. There were several other trailers where we were, and we all got along great, except for Joe and Doug. Sometimes they wouldn’t even talk to each other. One time their disagreement was about a dock that I happen to share with Doug, so I had an interest in Joe and Doug working out their differences. So I go to Joe and say, "Joe, how are you doing?" "Terrible." "What’s the problem?" He’d tell me how our dock is crowding his dock. I said, "What would you be happy with? Where would you like our dock to be?" "Right here. Right off of this angle right here."

So I go to Doug and say," Doug, this is where Joe would like the dock to be. We don’t have a problem with that, do we?" "No, I guess not." Here’s a situation where there’s not even a real disagreement, but Joe and Doug are so controlled by their hot temperaments that they can’t even communicate on something as simple as the acceptable spot to put a dock. What’s sad is when it’s not just the location of a dock that hangs in the balance of communication, but the well—being of a marriage, a family, a nation, a world.

Life is hard enough. It doesn’t have to be as hard as we often make it. The wise man says today, Be gentle. Be patient. Count, care, communicate. Submit to the one who is your life, to Jesus Christ. And you will realize that you have a power that you never knew before. It is the power of gentleness, the power of the Spirit, the gentle power of God.

About the Author

Duane Kelderman

Rev. Duane Kelderman is the Vice President for Administration and an Associate Professor of Preaching at Calvin Seminary in Grand Rapids. Before his current position he served as pastor in Christian Reformed congregations in Toledo, Ohio; Denver, Colorado; and Grand Rapids, Michigan. Rev. Kelderman is married to Jeannette and has three children and two grandchildren. He was born and raised in Oskaloosa, Iowa and attended Calvin College and Calvin Seminary. He enjoys reading and carpentry.

More >>