A TALE OF TWO GENTLEMEN
For the past ten years, I’ve been meeting monthly with three other pastors. We share breakfast together. But we do more. We share our lives. And we share our thoughts about a book we’ve read during that month. We read novels, memoirs, history—over the past decade we’ve read a bit of everything.
One of our recent discussions introduced me to John Adams. Adams was one of the founding fathers of America. Frankly, before I read his biography I didn’t know much about Adams. He certainly wasn’t as familiar as, say, Thomas Jefferson. Toward the end their lives, Jefferson and Adams became close friends. But it wasn’t always that way. Jefferson and Adams had quite different political philosophies. They also had quite different ways of relating to people. Let me illustrate.
You may know that Thomas Jefferson wrote The Declaration of Independence. Of course that gave him a reputation as a man who had a flair for setting words on paper. But in ordinary conversation, Jefferson said little. He hated to make enemies. He avoided confrontation. When the Declaration of Independence came up for debate on the floor of the Continental Congress, Jefferson said virtually nothing in its defense. Delegates who thought his views extreme went on the attack. Jefferson said nothing. It was John Adams who stood up and defended the Declaration. It was Adams who rose repeatedly to speak for the cause of independence. Adams was eloquent in his defense. He was so eloquent that on one occasion, when delegates arrived late for a meeting, Congress implored Adams to repeat a speech even though it had run a full hour.
Adams was a leader. But that leadership came at a cost. Not everyone was Adam’s friend. While Jefferson tended to be the toast of society, Adams often found relationships with his colleagues strained. His willingness to take a stand made him unpopular with those who had different ideas about the future. John Adams was a man who learned from painful experience that he couldn’t make everyone happy.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
How about you? As I think about those two men, I’ve decided that more of us are like Jefferson than Adams. Like Jefferson, we want to make everyone happy. Like Jefferson, we want everyone to be our friend. Like Jefferson, we are, for want of a better word, pleasers.
Pleasers. Are you a pleaser?
Now, maybe I need to explain what I mean by that. Inside you, does there sound a little voice that insists that it’s your job in life to make other people happy? Do you live with the belief that you need to please the significant—and even the not—so—significant people in your life? That unless others are happy with you, you’ve failed?
In his book, The Lies We Believe, Dr. Chris Thurman, a psychologist at the Minirth—Meier Clinic, writes about the way we tend to distort the truth. Thurman tells us we have a way of swallowing all kinds of deceptions that play havoc with our lives. And among the lies we believe is this one: “I must have everyone’s love——everyone’s approval.“
Is that what you think too? That you’ve failed if everyone around you doesn’t smile and approve of the way you’re living your life? “I must have everyone’s love and approval.“ You may well consider that you have good reasons to hold to that opinion. That’s the way it is with most lies, of course. There is just enough truth in them to make them plausible. We say to ourselves: “The Bible teaches that I must do good things.“ That’s true, of course. And then we say: “People who do good things are appreciated.“ As a general principle, that’s true too. So put it all together and you come up with this conclusion: “If I’m a good person, I can expect everyone to love me, everyone to approve of what I think and do.“
Moreover, there are some deep dynamics within us that drive us to believe this lie. Be honest. Most of us crave the approval of others. Isn’t that true? We crave affirmation. We thirst for compliments. In fact, most of us need a fistful of compliments to balance out one critical remark. We’ve long ago forgotten the compliments our friends have paid us. But what remains burned in our brain are the negative things that have been said about us, even by people we don’t respect. Criticisms of who we are and what we do are branded upon our souls. Criticism hurts. And who likes to hurt? We want everyone to approve of us, everyone to like us, everyone to say to us—?job well done.’ We want to be ?pleasers.’
But can we please everyone? That’s the question, isn’t it! The idea that I can have everyone’s love and approval is a lie. It really is. It doesn’t take into account our own limitations. So many people want such different things of us! So you want to please everyone!—but ?everyone’ is a pretty big group. “Everyone“ includes your friends, your spouse, your children, your boss, your church—and a host of people you hardly know.
How can you possibly please everyone? You work overtime on the job to make your boss happy, and your wife gets crabby. You take time off for the sake of your husband and kids, and the boss is on your case for not bringing the big project in on time. You drop out of choir to teach church school, and the choir director moans that she misses your great tenor voice. You go back to choir and now the church school superintendent tells you how badly the kids in middle school miss your sense of humor. No matter what you do, there is someone laying on a guilt trip. As someone has said, “All the world’s a critic, and you’re tired of reading the reviews.“ Some think us too conservative, some too progressive. Some people think us too laid back, others too serious. Some people think we talk too much—others think we don’t talk enough. Some think us too pious for their tastes—others think we should get more serious about spiritual things.
In the end, many of us become chameleons. Do you know about chameleons? Chameleons have this amazing ability to blend in with their environment. They change color so as to fade into the woodwork. And that’s what many of us do as well. We change color to fit our present social terrain. You see, we want to fit in. We desperately want to fit in. What our friends think of us is overwhelming important to us. In fact, we are always trying to figure out what others are thinking, so that we can go along. We want to say things that make people happy. We want to make our neighbor smile. Because there is no worse crime, in our eyes, than not being liked, not being accepted, not being loved.
Now, if this is your way of approaching life, I can tell you two things about yourself. First, you are often quite miserable. You really are. Because you have put yourself in the hands of other people. You allow other people—perhaps people you hardly know or respect——to mold and shape you. You aren’t living your calling in the world—but what others think your calling should be. You bounce back and forth a lot between guilt and anger. Guilt because you aren’t measuring up to what others want. Anger because you are sick of people telling you what to do. Guilt——anger. Guilt—anger. Not a happy way to go through life.
But even worse is what is happening to you spiritually. Something terrible has happened to your definition of God. The truth is, you’ve made your neighbor’s opinions your rule for life. You’ve made the court of human opinion your god.
Do you think that’s too strong? I don’t think so. Whatever you ultimately live for—that’s your god. And if you live to receive the compliments of other people, if you live for the approval of other people, well, then you’ve chosen your deity. You’ve enthroned your god.
But how can we avoid this problem? We aren’t strong enough to resist peer pressure. We aren’t strong enough to stand up to the winds of public opinion. What can we do? We can start by listening to Jesus as he calls us to obedience. Consider the words of this song.
PAUL: CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE
We’ve been talking about living to please people. And we’ve said that many of us have this little voice inside us that insists we must have everybody’s approval. We need some help from someone who understands this dynamic.
And that’s where the Apostle Paul can offer some assistance. Paul knows what we’re going through. You know, we often think of Paul as being this confident, self—assured guy. But in his writings, Paul himself admits to some real struggles about his identity. In fact, early in his adult life, he lived to measure up to the opinions of his peers. In Philippians, he describes what drove his life: “If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.“
Paul was living to meet the expectations of his fellow Pharisees. But Paul got off this treadmill of living to make an impression on the guy next door. Good thing he did. For when Paul became by God’s grace the missionary to the Roman Empire, he found that a lot of people had quite mixed feelings about him. Certainly that was the case in Corinth, at what would be the toughest church Paul would ever pastor. If there was a church that pulled pastors put through a wringer, it was Corinth. And if there was a pastor who was feeling the squeeze it was the church’s founding pastor, Apostle Paul!
In the first chapter of I Corinthians, we learn that the church in Corinth had broken up into four factions. Each faction waved the banner of a different spiritual leader. “What I mean is this,“ writes Paul, “One of you says, “I follow Paul“; another, “I follow Apollos“; another, “I follow Cephas“; still another, “I follow Christ.“
Now, Paul admits here that things got pretty tough for him in Corinth. Yes, there were some in Corinth who appreciated Paul—those who liked his simple style. “Your not flashy Paul, but we like it that way.“
But others in Corinth weren’t giving Paul high marks. There were people who were more impressed by Apollos. Apollos was one of the great orators of early the church. He was also a man of deep wisdom. To hear him was to listen to someone who knew how to communicate. After hearing Apollos there were those who said, “Why can’t Paul preach like this? Paul, get some lessons in how to write a sermon! Kick your oratory up a notch.“
And then were was the party of Cephas, or, as we better know him, Peter. Those who were taken in by Peter were likely those who thought that the whole Old Testament law needed to be kept. Of course, we know that Peter wouldn’t have agreed with them. Peter himself had received the vision that challenged the church to welcome Gentiles as full members of the church’s fellowship. But we also know that Peter had a little trouble being consistent when it came to treating everyone alike. It’s likely this group at Corinth had taken Peter’s name as their rallying cry in defense of the ceremonial law. “Look,“ they said to Paul, “you’ve got to make Gentiles tow the line when it comes to Jewish law if you want the church to be pure.“
And then there was the Christ party. Now, this is the toughest group to define. For in a real sense, we should all be members of the “Christ—party“ shouldn’t we? But Paul seems to suggest this faction was using the name of Christ as a defense for their own particular heresy. Probably the members of the Christ party were the free spirits of Corinth. They wanted to throw off the law entirely. Who needs to talk of right or wrong when the Spirit is blowing? “Paul,“ they said, “get with it. You still hand out too many do’s and don’t in your preaching. “Let the Spirit move, and let us define morality any way we choose.“
There are all these voices shouting at Paul. “You’re wrong! You’re messing up! We don’t approve of your gospel. Paul, we really don’t like you any more!“ What’s an apostle to do?
IT DOESN’T MATTER
In response to these pressures, Paul pushes back. He writes in chapter 4, “I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court.“
Now, that’s pretty shocking talk for those of us who think being a Christian means a life that’s driven by what the neighbors think. Paul says the opposite. “I really care very little what you are saying about me,“ writes Paul.
Now, what does this Paul mean by this? Well, Paul isn’t saying that he is untouched by what others say about him. Read between the lines of the Corinthian correspondence and you will find a man who is deeply hurt by the unjust criticisms that are thrown his way. What was being said about Paul at Corinth wounded him deeply. And it’s no different with you and me.
In the course of my ministry, there have been those who have questioned my motives and attacked my integrity. People have refused to shake my hand because I could not take their side in a dispute. People have called me a few choice names because I refused to endorse their misguided agendas. And I will tell you the truth. Those judgments against me are still branded on my soul. They hurt. Even when I have known those criticisms to be wrong—they hurt. You’ve had similar experiences, no doubt. And those moments have wounded you and scarred you. No, Paul is not saying it’s painless to be judged by other people.
Nor is Paul saying that we don’t need friends that we depend on, who can hold us accountable. In my life I have had significant people who have mentored me, to whom I can turn for wisdom and guidance. I need those mentors. I need them to tell me when I’m messing up. I need them to confront me when I do foolish things. I thank God for friends who care about me enough to tell it as it is. You need such mentors in your life too. Friends who will level with you and help you work on the rough edges of your character.
No, Paul is not saying criticism doesn’t hurt. And he’s not saying criticism isn’t sometimes what we need to keep growing. So what is Paul saying? He’s saying that he will not live as though pleasing people is the ultimate issue of life. He will not be taken prisoner by the court of human opinion.
You know, we find ourselves in the court of human opinion every day. We are ALWAYS being evaluated by other people. To our boss, we are only as good as our last project. To our neighbors, we are only as good as the last time we loaned them our lawn mower. Every day what people think of me is up for grabs.
Paul says, “I’m not going to let my life be run by the fickle winds of opinion. I’m not going to let my life be dominated by everyone’s personal agenda for my life. I’m going to look beyond the court of human opinion. I’m going to look to a final judgment day. When I stand before my God and give an account to him of what I have done. Writes Paul: “It is the Lord who judges me. . . . .He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts.“ Here’s my bottom line, says Paul. “I am living ultimately for God’s approval, not that of the world.“
Now, let me suggest that if you share Paul’s conviction you are opening a door to true freedom. You see, if you live to please others, you are engaged in a fool’s game. I have known people who are bright, educated, remarkably successful. And yet all their lives they have been driven to please other people. Their lives have been torn in countless directions. What God really wanted of them, they never fulfilled. They live in fear, afraid that someone will say, “I don’t like what you did. I don’t like you anymore.“
I wonder how many of us aren’t struggling with that same pain. But Paul invites us to a new way of living. He says, “I will not be manipulated by people around me. I do not live to jump through their hoops. My life is centered in Christ. I am his servant. It is him I want to please.“
Paul invites us to a new way of living. A way that strikes out in radical obedience to Jesus Christ. A way of living that breaks us out of the straitjacket of human opinion. A way of living that simplifies life. My heart desire is now to live in such a way that Christ is honored and glorified. After all, says Paul, “It is the Lord who judges me.“
OUT OF THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE?
But what have we gotten ourselves into now? Living for the approval of God! Haven’t we gone beyond what is humanly possible? You say to me, “I can’t even please my husband, my kids, my friends, my parents. How do I stand a chance of pleasing God? How do I stand a chance when it comes to a God who knows me inside out? A God who knows my plans, my motives, my excuses, my failures?“
How does this work? How can this be freedom? Well, the secret is found in sharing the same identity as Paul. You see, for Paul, God is not only his Judge, but his Savior. Paul has discovered his identity in God’s grace. That’s why Paul identifies himself as a Servant of Christ. A Servant of Christ. Christ is at the foundation of Paul’s identity.
The God for whose approval I live has come down to me in his Son, Jesus Christ. The Divine Judge has judged his own Son in my place. The Judge is my Savior. The judgment that should have fallen on me has fallen on him. So that by his grace, I might now center my life in Christ. So that by his grace I might live in obedience to Jesus. Moving forward as his child. Falling down, yes, but finding that every time I fall on my face, my heavenly Father lifts me up, dusts me off, and encourages me to take the next steps of obedient faith. My heavenly Father points me to my Savior, Jesus, as my pattern for life, my inspiration, my strength.
By grace, I live to please my God! I came back from visiting Christians in Japan a few weeks ago. There I met a pastor who illustrated for me exactly what Paul is speaking about. This Japanese pastor spoke to me of his conversion, and he told me that the verse from Scripture that led him to confess Christ publicly, the verse that led him to become a pastor, was the word of Jesus. “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.“
As he spoke those words, I realized the great sacrifice he had made to follow Christ. He had given up the approval of his own family to become part of God’s family. He had sacrificed the approval of those he loved for the sake of his deeper love for Christ.
Not all of us need to make such sacrifices. But all of us need to have our priorities straight. Nothing matters more than what Jesus, my Savior and Friend, thinks of me.
Prayer
Almighty God, We are so easily prey to the opinions of others. We walk in step with others, even when they are marching to the beat of the wrong drummer. Today, free us from the shackles of human opinion. Help us center ourselves in Christ alone as Savior and Lord. Amen
David Feddes
Dr. David Feddes is pastor of Family of Faith Church and provost of Christian Leaders Institute, which supports mentor-based ministry training through online courses. David is also adjunct missiologist for Crossroad Bible Institute, which provides biblical distance education to more than 40,000 people in prison. Previously he served as broadcast minister for the Back to God radio program, reaching people in more than fifty countries. David earned his Ph.D. in intercultural studies from Trinity International University, Deerfield, IL and is a graduate of Calvin Theological Seminary. He and his wife, Wendy, have nine children (one in heaven).
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